Remember when you were in high school, and you were learning algebra in math? If you’re like me, you thought the concept of numbers and letters together was stupid. You have your letters for reading and writing, you have numbers for arithmetic. The three R’s, even though there’s a “w” and an “a,” meaning whoever came up with the acronym isn’t too spit hot with spelling. The value of “C” in 2+3=C isn’t C, it’s 5. Just put 5. Still, your math teacher probably told you, like mine did, that one day you’d need it. Thing is, they were right, but did you ever dream that algebra would be necessary to know what’s playing at the local cinema? Se7en. Thir13en Ghosts. M3GAN and its follow-up, M3GAN 2.0, currently playing in theaters. Seriously, what the he11? It needs to st0p. St0p. Damm1t, stop.
Mo7ie Titles with Numb3rs Have No Purpo$e
Numbers substituted for letters in movie titles are right up there on the list of things I h8, alongside musicians that have never heard of upper case letters (I’m looking at you, Olivia Rodrigo). They serve no purpose whatsoever, apart from marketing, in which case they do have a purpo$e, but marketing is always secondary to a good story in Hollywood, amIright? Take Se7en, for example. Sure, it looks neat, but what’s the purpose? To help moviegoers distinguish it from all the other Seven movies out there? Trust me, David Fincher, no one will ever confuse your messed-up masterpiece with something else. Now there is Lucky Number S7evin, but that has the 7 as an “L,” which it kinda sorta looks like. Certainly closer than a “V.”
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The bitch is back and better than ever.
But in saying that, at least the 7 in Se7en has a relevance to the movie itself, in which a serial killer commits murders based on the seven deadly sins. Thir13en Ghosts has thirteen ghosts, so it is also pertinent, just dumb-looking. S1m0ne is actually clever, a play on the programming code that is used to create a virtual actress. And eerily relevant in today’s world. Plus, it has Al Pacino (AlPacino>StupidNumberMovieTitles). Where does the number 3 play out in M3GAN? It doesn’t. Are the numbers 3 and 4 vital to the plot in L4yer Cak3? They aren’t. The numbers for letters are purely for aesthetics. Or laziness, which is the only explanation for Tak3n, The Expend4bles, and 5nal Destination, the third, fourth, and fifth films in their respective franchises. Did someone look at the movie poster design and deem that Final Destination 5 was taking up too much real estate? I can see how a single space and a single-digit number could be problematic in that case (insert eye roll).
Mo7ie Titles with Numb3rs Have Real Life Imp7ications
Speaking of which, that title would technically make the film Fivenal Destination, and if you’re a movie buff like me, that’s gonna butcher your alphabetically sorted DVD collection. MTHREEGAN moves from being between Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and Men In Black to be between Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Mulan. And don’t even start with Sonemzerone. That sort of stuff messes with your head. At least Sesevenen, Thirthirteeneen and Takthreen don’t move too far, but it’s a mouthful. Try inviting a friend over to watch your favorite movie, Lfouryer Cakthree. Makes you sound like Jabba the Hutt. You just need to add the jolly “ho ho ho” to the end.
The real life implications don’t stop there. What if numbers replaced letters on IRS forms? “I’m sorry, Mr. Johnson, but you’ve filled out a form F3457. What we need is form FE4SL. You’re clearly not capable of having money. Prepare to be audited.” And what about the children, watching Sesame Street on its new Netflix home? “Hey kids, it’s me, Elmo. Today we’re learning about the letter E. And the number 3. And the number 3 that is the letter E.” Is he even Elmo anymore, or is he 3lmo? I’ve seen the end of humanity as we know it, dear Collider reader, and it starts with the number 7 being used as a V. In that case, the precendent is set so that The Empire Strikes Back would be Star Wars: Episode 7, but not 7, since that is The Force Awakens, which would have precedence to be Star Wars: Episode L.
The s00ner the madne55 end5, the better.
