Originally voiced by Christopher Collins in season one but quickly changed to Harry Shearer, Charles Montgomery Burns is a classic character in The Simpsons. He represents so many different archetypes: the cranky old man, the greedy monopolist, the politically powerful, those with a vocabulary that can go as far back as the late-nineteenth century, and someone who is so rich that he can be used to channel various villains from famous works of science fiction and fantasy. He can do anything from assassinate people to gather dozens of monkeys into a room and get them typing out the next great American novel.
That terrible posture and his sycophantic number two, Smithers (also voiced by Shearer), surely add marvelously to this character. However, Monty Burns’ greatest asset might just be his dialogue: it often employs antiquated language, bluntly asserts his superiority over others, and underscores everything that we know and love to hate about him. Now, we all know that “Release the hounds,” “Excellent,” and Burns asking about Homer are three legendary Simpsons catchphrases, but this character has so many unique pieces of dialogue that we’d be remiss to not search for lesser-known one-liners. Mr. Burns’ ten best quotes encapsulate his quirks, his seemingly infinite amount of power, his endlessly immoral nature, and his outdated perspective in hilarious, nuanced, and unforgettable ways.
10
“They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flungers, kabdabblers, and smandlers!”
“Last Exit to Springfield” (Season 4, Episode 17)
Mr. Burns is such a horrible person that the show can easily compare him to other iconic villains from various media. In season four’s “Last Exit to Springfield,” we get one of the best television parodies when Mr. Burns and Smithers gaze down upon some protesters from the balcony of their nuclear plant. When Mr. Burns brings his hand close to his ear to listen to those protesters singing, it feels like a parody of the TV adaptation of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
Sure enough, Burns exclaims, “Look at them all through the darkness I am bringing. They’re not sad at all; they’re actually singing!” Then he yanks his assistant towards him so close that it perfectly mirrors the Grinch pulling in his dog: “They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flungers, kabdabblers, and smandlers!” Classic Dr. Seuss nonsense words at the end there. Then, in hilarious Simpsons fashion, Burns breaks from the rhyme scheme and tells Smithers to tell the labor union he’s ready to make a deal.
9
“You heard me, hippie.”
“Homer at the Bat” (Season 3, Episode 17)
Mr. Burns isn’t the nicest boss in the world, but Don Mattingly learns that the power plant owner is even more difficult to deal with as a softball team owner. Burns walks over to this professional baseball player, and orders him to get rid of his sideburns. The only problem is Mattingly only has long hair and a mustache; there are no sideburns. When Mattingly asks what he’s talking about, Burns angrily says “You heard me, hippie” and walks away.
The second time this happens, they’re in the dugout. Burns spots his culprit and says, “Mattingly, for the last time get rid of those sideburns!” Mattingly tries to respond, but Burns orders him not to argue. Later, we see the confused Mattingly has shaved his hair in a ridiculous way to appease his coach. Still Burns yells at him, one of many delightful moments in a strong sports episode. Every part of this bit is hilarious, but let’s say “You heard me, hippie” is the funniest quote of all—as Mr. Burns strikes the viewer as someone who would definitely call Mattingly a hippie.
8
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Bart Gets Hit By a Car” (Season 2, Episode 10)
Mr. Burns is getting sued for a million dollars for hitting Bart (Nancy Cartwright) with his car in the aptly titled, “Bart Gets Hit By a Car.” Everything that comes out of Monty Burns’ mouth is gold here, but one of the better lines is when he trades words with the judge. He just interrupted the court proceedings, and the judge tells him that if he continues to disrupt in this way, he’ll cite him for contempt. The defendant’s reply is so blunt that we see he doesn’t fear the judge at all: “You wouldn’t dare.”
Just as hilarious is the judge’s reply, looking off to the side and saying (as if to himself), “Well, no. I…I guess I wouldn’t.” The amount of power that Burns holds in Springfield is made perfectly clear in this exchange, and it’s nothing short of hilarious. As always, The Simpsons uses Burns as a terrific vehicle for some top-notch satire of the American legal system and the privilege that such barons as Burns wield in that setting.
7
“Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned.”
“Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk” (Season 3, Episode 11)
As the German title of “Burns Verkaufen der Kratwerk” indicates, Mr. Burns has sold the powerplant and is looking for new ways to spend his time. He and Smithers visit Moe’s to go “slumming.” When Mr. Burns opens the door; he hears people cheering inside and says, “Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned. Hold your nose, Smithers; we’re going in!”
Such a dramatic and condescending way to describe the lower class having fun. It’s also fully in his character to find this “mirthless” laughter charming. The fact that Burns tells Smithers to hold his nose as if they’re about to dive into a cesspool is another hysterical detail that illustrates how Burns must disapprove of the smell of every blue-collar employee who works for him. There’s also something so amusing about how he says all this cheerfully. Monty Burns has a way of saying things that feel like they could be taken from a novel, and this is one of his best.
6
“By the time this paid political announcement is done, every Johnny Lunch-Pale in this whole stupid state will be eating out of my hand.”
“Two Cars in Every Garage, and Three Eyes on Every Fish” (Season 2, Episode 4)
“Two Cars in Every Garage, and Three Eyes on Every Fish” is possibly the most exceptional piece of political satire The Simpsons ever produced, and here’s one of the episode’s highlights. Preparing for a live commercial that’s supposed to get his campaign for governor some more attention, Mr. Burns sits in a chair as his political adviser tells him they’ve done all they can. Not intimidated whatsoever, Burns casually replies, “Oh, don’t worry. By the time this paid political announcement is done, every Johnny Lunch-Pale in this whole stupid state will be eating out of my hand.”
Timing is everything here. As he says all this, the commercial has already begun. Everyone in Springfield hears and sees him, and their reactions to this faux-pas turns a good line into a sensational one. The best shot is when we see everyone working on the commercial with their jaws wide open in disbelief. Also, the contrast between what Burns says and what the cue card reads is night and day. When Burns sees he’s alive and says, “Oh, hello friends!” as if he didn’t just insult the entire state, it feels like nothing short of vintage Burns.
5
“He’s crazy!”
“Simpson and Delilah” (Season 2, Episode 2)
Season two’s “Simpson and Delilah” sees Homer (Dan Castellaneta) giving a presentation in front of the big suits at the nuclear plant. Mr. Burns came in with high expectations, thinking of Homer as a guy with hair. Seeing him now, suddenly bald, he feels less confident in the presenter before he’s even said a word. Well, Homer’s first words don’t help. He says, “A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this” and holds a dollar bill to a lighter. Right on cue, Mr. Burns springs from his chair in alarm—eyes bulging—and yells “He’s crazy!”
Of course, the greediest man in Springfield would find a single dollar getting lit on fire so disturbing. It’s not often that one sees Mr. Burns is so distressed, and there’s something so amusing in the fact that he reacts to this as a normal person would react to a decapitation. Smithers even feels the need to hold his boss back, emphasizing further that Montgomery needs to be restrained to calm down from such an upsetting occurrence. It goes to show that sometimes a very brief quote can bring just as much laughter as one of Burns’ more elaborate lines.
4
“No crack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me!”
“Blood Feud” (Season 2, Episode 22)
Mr. Burns doesn’t waste any time making us laugh in the season two finale, “Blood Feud.” He is too weak to get out of bed, but he still wants to fulfill his obligation of showing up to a public event for the unveiling of a new power plant sign. As he struggles to get up, Smithers bursts into his bedroom and tells his boss he needs a doctor. The old man’s reply is vintage Burns: “Absolutely not! No crack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me!”
This man truly has a way with words. His antiquated eloquence has never been on better display; referring to a doctor as a sawbone requires a deep dive into the thesaurus, and the fact that he still associates medical treatment with leeches is a sidesplitting reminder of just how impossibly old he is. Along the way, Burns grabs his assistant by the bow-tie and delivers this line in a weak yet assertive manner. This quote demonstrates that a sickly Burns can be every bit as hysterical as a man at full strength.
3
Non-stop diabolical laughter
“$pringfield: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling” (Season 5, Episode 10)
In another one of Mr. Burns’ best episodes, season five’s “$pringfield,” recalls how he used to spend time on a boardwalk as a child. For most characters, there would be a wholesome and lightly humorous flashback to give us a sense of that youthful innocence. Most people could relate to that, but Mr. Burns’ is not most people. Being the moral vacuum that he is, Burns fondly thinks back of running over an employee with a bumper car until the poor man loses the use of his legs.
Then Burns just starts laughing. He laughs as he walks beside the mayor, he laughs in the shower, he laughs in his sleep, he laughs in church, and he laughs when he’s back in his office. The montage makes it clear that he’s been cackling non-stop for so long that, by the time he’s finished, he has to remind himself of what he was laughing about. Along with the offensive terms that he uses to describe that poor guy, there aren’t many sounds that Burns has made that better convey just how absurdly sadistic he is.
2
“Fly, my pretties. Fly!”
“The Last Temptation of Homer” (Season 5, Episode 9)
Mr. Burns and Smithers are in his office when the Room Service Alert goes off, notifying them that an employee is charging room service to the company. Burns doesn’t approve of that, so he walks over to a nearby cloth and swipes it—revealing a cage of monkeys with black wings. He opens the cage, and orders them to “Fly, my pretties. Fly!” Unlike the Wicked Witch of the West’s monkeys, however, these creatures are unable to fly. Thus, they fall to their untimely deaths.
The execution of this quote is too funny to honor with words alone. Any Simpsons fan should watch it, as well as the whole episode of “The Last Temptation of Homer,” while they’re at it. This exceptional mini-parody of The Wizard of Oz stands as perhaps the greatest example of how Burns’ wealth can lead to completely unpredictable yet hysterically believable displays of villainy—and for the pettiest of reasons.
1
“I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!”
“Bart Gets Hit By a Car” (Season 2, Episode 10)
The very first court scene from “Bart Gets Hit By a Car” is so iconic that it contains one more line that simply must be put at the top of this list. It comes right before the judge threatens to hold him in contempt; in fact, that’s the reason why the judge makes that threat. After Burns’ lawyer reminds everyone that Mr. Burns is so wealthy and powerful that he’s not like other men. This old monster stands from his chair and pronounces, “I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!”
Where to begin? The implication that he could possibly “want” to run over any children is satanic, and the fact that he doesn’t see how anyone else in that courtroom would think otherwise tells us he has absolutely zero self-awareness. Even his lawyer is aghast, at least because of how strategically unsound that interruption was. Everyone’s reactions are outstanding, too, from the horrified jurors to Marge (Julie Kavner) and Lisa (Yeardley Smith) shooting darts at him with their eyes. In short, this is such a ridiculously and unambiguously wicked thing to say that it can only come from Charles Montgomery Burns.